These Dreams

Sometime last year, I had a dream that when I died, there was a brief interlude between my death and total nothingness; in it, I walked into a burger diner called Winstead’s that I once visited on a business trip to Kansas City. Everyone I had ever cared about was there - some in booths, chatting with each other, some up walking around and shaking hands. My paternal grandfather was seated on a stool at the counter and turned around and said “Hey! You’re finally here!” Waking up felt sad in a longing way, but like I was warm inside; ultimately a memorable and unique moment.

Over the last week, my subconscious has started to torment me with a different kind of dream entirely; wherein I am in some mundane situation and she looks at me and smiles.

It has persisted every night now; one time we were in our first house sitting on the ugly hand-me-down leather couch, and I looked over and she smiled at me. The next night, I was trying to get my right shoe on and I looked up and she was standing there and smiled at me. I then immediately wake up and cannot get back to sleep.

Tonight though - tonight was even worse.

We were at my parents’ house circa 2016 or so. I had the sense we had bickered about something inconsequential - like what to have for dinner - and then she turned and smiled and looked at me and said “don’t you want to come home now?”

I woke up sobbing and was glad nobody could hear me.